So in a way I'm glad that he is not entertaining the idea of dating right now. Is it called dating for seniors? Anyways, that's not to say he shouldn't later on cos I know old folks need companionship too. And maybe I'm being selfish? But hey, I cannot picture ANYONE else with Dad right now. Sorry, but the loss is still fresh in my mind and I still need time to adjust. This is the part of my life that I don't want to move forward with. I want to keep my mom with me forever and ever.
During our weekly dinner, Dad was telling me and Norm about how some lady in Chinatown wanted to set him up. And I told him I thought it was too soon for him to start dating. And he said "there is no one better than your mom!!!" And I replied "as long as you know and remember that!"
So in a way I'm glad that he is not entertaining the idea of dating right now. Is it called dating for seniors? Anyways, that's not to say he shouldn't later on cos I know old folks need companionship too. And maybe I'm being selfish? But hey, I cannot picture ANYONE else with Dad right now. Sorry, but the loss is still fresh in my mind and I still need time to adjust. This is the part of my life that I don't want to move forward with. I want to keep my mom with me forever and ever.
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Sorry, haven't posted in awhile. Was going through a rough patch during Chinese New Year. Again, Mom's favorite and happiest time of the year. It's so HARD not having her here. And the catch is, you're supposed to be celebrating and be happy! Seriously, I hate going on and on about being sad and how much I miss my mom. I've really tried to let go of the grief but little things triggers it. So then everything seems overwhelming and impossible to bear. At the same time, dealing with a break-up and all of the drama that goes along with it. Emotions are intensified so much so, I don't even recognize myself - needy, angry, feeling sorry for myself, and crying all the time. Mom would not be happy with me!!!
I've resigned myself to dealing with this on my own. I do have the most supportive friends and family. But sometimes it's easier to grieve alone. I feel like it makes people uncomfortable and sad to see me upset. And that's the last thing I want to do. So I take comfort in knowing Mom is celebrating in heaven with her beloved parents and her favorite niece and nephew. It's the Year of the Snake, the year Norm was born. And I can't believe Mom isn't here making all of her calls to her family in NYC and HK. She treasured those moments dishing out her words of wisdom and wishing everyone good health, and lots of wealth for the coming year.
I swore to myself that I would not cry today. It is bad luck and Mom would not be happy with me. And I feel like I've cried so much over the last couple weeks between missing my mom and other personal reasons, I'm all cried out. But I can't help feeling sad which has been the underlying theme of this blog since Mom passed away. And I hope some day that will change but for now..... I brought some dim sum this am for Dad. And showed him how to use this calling service to call HK. He spoke with Uncles #3 & 4 and Desmond. Then he called NYC and spoke with my Aunt. He seems to be ok but who knows how he is when I leave...it can't be easy for him. We didn't keep the tradition of serving tea. I don't think his heart is into any of the traditions Mom used to follow. Anyways, I wish everyone lots of happiness, great health and good fortune and wealth this year. Wow, I've just checked the stats for this site and there's still alot of people viewing it. Over 45 hits a few days ago....I guess I should continue the madness.
So much for my earlier post to "peace and happiness". This week has been hard as I cried myself to sleep every night. I miss her so damn much and not sure why it's hitting me so hard now, 4 months after her passing. Maybe it's because things have settled around me? Dad is going to his club every day. Norm and I chose Tuesdays to go to Dad's for dinner. So things are starting to become routine. I'm getting busier at work and just hanging out with my kitties. But I keep re-living those moments of her drawing her last breath and of me and Norman standing in front of her casket at the gravesite. And how the finality of it all just killed me. I know this is so depressing for y'all to read....sorry. Today a bunch of ATASK folks got together and celebrated Joyce's 50th bday! I was there but wasn't there....I was happy for Joyce but did not find any joy in being there. How can I find joy without my mom here? I would just settle for a little peace...happiness will come eventually. And I know my mom is looking down at me telling me to stop mourning her and to be happy. Have to find my way somehow.... |
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May 2022
AuthorI'm fortunate enough to have an awesome job at a biotech company. I'm also blessed to have the bestest of friends in the world - from Castle Square, ATASK, and Jamie Club - you know who you are! Last but not least, I have a family that are always there for me. Categories |